Unfortunately, we have hit a pretty tough spot in our pretty little life. I am dreading the day Kevin has to leave for the gulf. I guess you could say I am avoiding life right now. You see, it's 1115am and I'm still in bed. Crying off and on...okay, sobbing. I am in denial this is all really happening. I can't even look at my husband because I just cry. I feel bad because i know he is dealing with similar feelings right now but he needs to be with the girls and the girls need him more than ever. I hate feeling like this...My eyes are puffy. I have a headache. I have no desire to get up. I know I will snap out of it and accept that it isn't a nightmare and it is reality. I keep praying that the clock will stop movibg. I will come around, I have to, but right now, I need time to accept this shit stick handed to us.
I am heartbroken. I feel lost already. I am sad for our girls who have absolutely no clue about what is about to happen to us...
This morning, Mairead asked if I "needed a day to rest". I knew exactly what she was referring to. A book called "The Best Day Ever" where daddy takes his girls out for a fun day while mommy takes a day to herself...or, to rest. After she asked me, I told her I was (feeling guilty). She then asked if today was going to be just like "The Best Day Ever"....I answered and said "I wish....I wish it was the best day ever..."
All I can think about is everything Kevin will miss. I've listed a lot already in the previous entry...but then, while laying here, I am reminded of more...and more...
Maireads 1st day of school....Lilahs first dance class, Maireads first soccer game (Kevin has been waiting for this since I found out I was pregnant with her...tougher for him than I) and so much more. I can't stop myself from thinking about this. It's crippling my mind. Am I being irrational?
Yes. This is going to be so very hard. And I don't mean hard by 'I will be by myself with the girls 24/7' for the next month or two. I can handle the kids. I have help. No problem. What I can't handle is having my husband gone. Missing out on our life in real time. Not celebrating our girls with me. No one for me to say "hey! Kevin, did you see her!?!" and sharing the joy of our girls alongside each other. Watching him smile in joy and excitement at them.
I am so very thankful for family and friends...near and far who are offering support and help. I appreciate it so very much. As always, the girls will have fun just like they do when daddy is at work. I will try to keep their routine as normal as possible without a lot of changing. Of course, there will be the simple adjustments of starting school and such....so, I pray for success. I know we will be fine, with not-so-good days thrown in there. Days like our 5th anniversary will be tough...and the weekend of our trip away into Boston will be awful. Or singing happy birthday to our sweet Clara without him. Reminiscing how perfect her birthday was....clear & bright, like the meaning of her name. I just sob writing this.
As far as trying for a new baby is concerned...I think this whole ordeal has really put things into perspective. It has made us realize what we want in life - pushing all of the petty things aside...remember, we had been on the fence. Kevin leaving has made us both really realize how much we BOTH want a little sister or brother for our girls. I pray it is meant to be for our family and I hope this doesn't affect our desires. Maybe we will be pleasantly surprised...
So. I will continue to struggle and try to accept what is about to happen. I struggle to understand the reason why he has to go. I struggle with this big time - especially when things have been in control down there for a while now. I think society needs to understand that the families of the Gulf aren't the only ones who have been affected by this tragedy. It's so much more than that.
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