Today wasn't a good day in the Ferrie household. Actually, it was a pretty shitty day to be totally honest.
If you didn't know, my husband, Kevin, is an officer (lieutenant commander) in the Coast Guard. For the last week, he's been on vacation for a little 'staycation' with the family. I haven't had a moment to write about our trip to the White Mountains of New Hampshire, but it was an awesome time with the girls. I'll post photos soon, I promise. I am a little bogged down right now...
Anyways...today, I am not a fan of the Coast Guard. Why, you ask? Well, we got word today that Kevin is being sent to deal with the [no-oil-to-be-seen] oil spill. Can you sense my sarcasm? Yeah. To say I am upset is an understatement. I've cried. I've screamed. I've thrown shit. I've shut down. I've had irrational moments. It's a total shock. I mean, we've been enjoying our week together as a family, went for a little family walk around the neighborhood and the phone rings. At first, I thought Kevin was annoyed I was chatting with a neighbor for a while, and then, he hit me with the news. Talk about a knife driven into your stomach. Talk about ruining your family vacation.
Our beautiful family walk turned into sadness. Anger. Our plans changed, no special dinner out tonight. The girls had PB &Fluff for dinner. I just shut down and cried. At 10pm, I just had a small bowl of cheerios. I have a major headache. My eyes are puffy. I am nauseated and just sick feeling. I just want to curl up in a cave and stay there....or wake up and have this all be over with.
Kevin could be gone for upwards of 60 days. 60 days without hugging or kissing or touching my husband. 60 days without the girls seeing their daddy. Celebrating Clara's 1st birthday without her daddy. Some people have mentioned - it could be worse. He could be going to Afghanistan or Iraq or some God awful place. Yeah. That's true....but, it's not the length - and anyone can say 'it can be worse' - so if you know of anyone going through something similar, don't say that, it doesn't help.
It is about what we will miss together. I didn't marry someone in the Army or Navy or Air Force. I am not the type of person who could have a husband gone for months or even years at a time. That takes a special....a very special woman to deal with that. I am not her. I need. love. want. my husband around. I need.love.want my husband to raise our children and be there for their first moments. This isn't about 'it could be worse'....It is about what we will miss together...It is about the changes our girls will have to go through while Kevin is gone. Being too young to really grasp the concept of their daddy being away. This isn't just being away for a few days or a week. This is being for weeks. Months. Not only will we miss the small moments together, but we will be missing big ones like these...
Our 5th wedding anniversary.
Kevin's parents are visiting here from Florida in September.
Clara's 1st birthday - that's a killer.
Kevin & I are signed up to run our first marathon relay together.
A weekend away in Boston for our anniversary to see the Red Sox.
We're trying to have another baby..............yeah, crazy, I know. But, tough to do while he is away...maybe, he's secretly happy about this? Wait? Did he plan this? I know he didn't...
And lots more...He'll come home. Summer will be over. It will be cold outside. The leaves will be falling. The girls will be bigger.
If you've read previous blogs about trying for numero cuatro, you'll know that we are in kind of a rush...In order to have the baby before we transfer next year, I will need a positive pregnancy test sometime by mid-late October. Yeah, so we're on a time crunch and Kevin being gone certainly doesn't help with that. Being high risk, I surely don't want to switch providers in the middle of my pregnancy, not to mention, moving while being pregnant can't be fun.
It's really upsetting. I just can't fathom not seeing my sweetheart for almost two months. His little girls are going to miss him......and I am going to miss him so much. I have dreaded this moment from the time Kevin told me they were starting to send people down to deal with the oil spill. To be honest, I thought since the well has been capped, and NO friggin' oil, that the chances are pretty small of him going anywhere. That they would actually start pulling back...Boy. Was I wrong...I am also pretty upset with the way things were handled. Since Kevin wasn't working, I feel as though he was set up...everyone else that was a potential had a say as to why they couldn't go - of course, no one wants to go, but, I feel as though Kevin didn't have a chance. Why didn't they call him during the discussion? It just isn't right. It could have been handled differently, and I am sorry if I offend anyone here...but you're taking a daddy away from three little girls who are 4 and under, and have absolutely no understanding of all of this.
Call me bitter, but I just don't understand what is going on down there...it's plastered all over the media how there is no oil.....no oil, so why the hype? Believe me, I am not undermining the potential issues down there with the fishery and wildlife, but....really? You have to keep taking people? You have to keep taking people for 60 days??? I really don't get it. There isn't a better option than this? It would be different is there was oil spewing out. But. There. Is. No. Oil. According to the Coast Guard Commandant himself tonight 'the bottom kill is finished and sealed' - huh? Really? Then why the frig are you taking my husband away for months? Why? Can you explain this to our girls? Because I don't fucking understand.
You also may think that we may be getting more money for him going down there. Nope. You're wrong. I mean he'll get a small amount each day to cover food. I mean, I am pretty sure the men and woman serving over seas are getting more money because they are in dangerous locations (and rightfully so) So, actually, by him going down there, we'll be losing money. I'll need a babysitter to help out during the week to help keep me and the girls sane. Or the cost of us flying down to Louisiana so we can see each other. That alone will cost a decent amount of money. So, we are losing out on a whole hell of a lot more than time with each other. Thankfully, I will be able to take advantage of my parents, but they're an hour away and they work, so their time is limited.
Does BP know this? Do they know how much they have inconvenienced military families? I don't think they do. Not only have the families of the Gulf been affected by this, but the families of the Coast Guard have been negatively affected as well. You want to know something? I know a decent amount of people who have been sent down there - and only one....if that has seen ANY oil.
So, I will try to pull myself together before Kevin leaves most likely on Tuesday. It will be a tough few days leading up and I will do my best to stay strong for our girls. Right now, I am a mess. And that's okay. I suppose. I wish our girls were old enough to understand that daddy is going to be gone for a while...they're used to having their daddy around all of the time. They've been lucky like that.